Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Familiar, Hateful Territory

It's late May, and after a burp of success by the Kings these last few years (Stanley Cup champs twice, bitches!), homeostasis has set in and I'm once again relegated to the much more familiar role of watching other teams play for the championships while I try to figure out which one of them I hate least.  Being a Dodgers, (L.A.) Kings, UCLA, Clippers, Raiders fan, I find myself doing this almost all the time.  There's the occasional cocktease, this year's Clippers and Dodgers for instance, and I delude myself into thinking, "Shit, could they actually have a chance this year?"  Only to have the sporting gods rip my heart out Temple-of-Doom-style, then take a bite out of it, then try to shove it back into place via my butt, then lower me into the pit of hellfire just slowly enough for me to see, in my dying moments, them handing one of the teams I hate most the ultimate in sporting glory--laughing maniacally the entire time.  Sports are dumb, and if I actually had a life I wouldn't bother.

So how do I choose who to futilely direct my negative voodoo at?  There are some obvious rivalries (the SF Giants, New York Yankees, Kansas City Chiefs, etc.), but the rankings are more fluid than you might think.  Here's who I'm currently hating to the point of ulcers:

1.  San Francisco Giants -  They'll always be number one.  For 56 years they did the decent thing and choked away all opportunities at a World Series title (LOL Barry Bonds!), but since 2010 they've been the ultimate pain in the dick.  I genuinely hate San Francisco.  Calling it a city doesn't seem right, it's more of a yuppie theme park.  Nothing but white, 29-year old tech bros with a creepy Asian girl fetish, and blonde women from Idaho who moved to "the city" /vomits/ to fulfill their "Sex and the City" fantasy.  The kind of women who want a gay "bestie", but in a way that's less symbiotic and more as though a sassy gay man is just an accessory they just absolutely need, like an iPhone or a purse dog.  It's like one giant Gawker comment section come to life.  Very liberal, but they're quietly relieved that all the black and brown people live across the Bay Bridge in Oakland.  Led by asshole pissbaby Madison Bumgarner and the annoyingly great Buster Posey, the Giants are a perfect fit for San Francisco:  overwhelmingly white, entitled and smug.  Fuck this team.

Giants fans in their natural habitat
2.  Chicago Blackhawks -  Chicago fans are godawful.  They're MASSholes with a slightly less grating accent and far less sports success.  For starters, they're everywhere.  From Tampa to Texas to Seattle, fans of Chicago teams are never too far from a sport stadium...my theory is that they can't ever be too far from one in case they require a transfusion of nacho cheese and shitty beer.  It's like a form of Midwestern dialysis.  What I'm saying is, they're usually fat.  This makes their numbers feel even more inflated.  And they're always going on and on about how they're so blue collar because they're from Chicago.  They're so humble because they're from the Midwest.  They hate wherever they're currently living and so wish they could move back to Chicago.  Also, Jonathan Toews is basically Madison Bumgarner, but with stupid side burns.  Fuck this team for making me root for the goddamn Ducks.  And fuck Vince Vaughn.  His shitty movies make Adam Sandler's look Oscar-worthy.

3.  Anaheim Ducks -  Corey Perry, Ryan Getzlaf and Ryan Kesler are possibly the most punchable trio I've ever come across in my sports fandom.  Corey Perry alone would be enough to put a team in my top 3.  He's a sentient nipple with freckles.  The only reason they're below the Blackhawks is because their making the Stanley Cup Final would mean Blackhawks fans would finally shut the fuck up.  And as bad as Orange County is, no one there gives two shits about hockey.  That means I won't have to hear them lord their team's superiority over me.  A handful of Ed Hardy-wearing assholes in Mission Viejo might switch over to the Ducks game occasionally, so long as there's no MMA bout on TV.  Otherwise, they're all just gonna jump in their raised pick-up tricks and head out to Huntington Beach and look to start a fight for no reason. 

4.  New York Yankees -  Who, outside of New York, doesn't hate New York teams?  This fucking Yankee team has zero talent and yet they're in first place.  They're going to win the World Series because they have a shitty team and baseball makes no goddamn sense and because they're the Yankees.  Bob Costas and Joe Buck will jizz themselves while talking about the magic that is Yankee Stadium in October.

5.  New York Rangers -  Fans of "Original Six" teams are the worst.  "My team has been around thirty years longer than yours!  This somehow makes me an exceptional hockey fan!"  Yes, while your team had the honor of having its ass handed to it by the Montreal Canadiens for a few extra decades, I can assure you that doesn't make you a knowledgeable hockey fan.  But, like most things in New York, Rangers fans don't need any real reason to overrate themselves. 

6.  St. Louis Cardinals - No one epitomizes false Midwestern humility like the assholes of "Cardinal Nation".  Fortunately, the rest of the nation seems to be calling out their dipshittery.  Despite that however, they'll still win the fuckin' World Series if the Yankees don't.  And they'll do it with grit and heart and solid Midwestern values.  i.e. The RIGHT way!


8.  Los Angeles Lakers -  You might think that the Clippers being pretty good and the Lakers being historically shitty would mean Laker fans would shut the fuck already.  Well, you'd be wrong.  In the past, I've always been pretty indifferent towards the Lakers.  Even rooting for them against the Celtics and Spurs because fuck Boston and Texas.  But it turns out that on those all too rare, yet glorious, occasions when the Lakers are irrelevant, their fans are even more annoying.   In any article Clippers-related, the comment section is filled with the bad grammar and shitty memes of Laker loyalists.  "Ill never root for tha clippers SMDH!  Lakerz 4lyfe!!!!!!11!"  Yes, how admirable that you're choosing to stick by your team while they're down.  A team that just happens to be the most successful goddamn franchise in the history of the sport.  Yes sir, you won't be tempted by the siren's call of the playoff-underachieving Clippers, the worst-run team in all of professional sports. Nope, you're fully committed to waiting all of three seasons for the Lakers to be their usual dominant selves again. 

Seriously, to hear them talk you'd think hordes of Clipper fans were out canvassing neighborhoods like Jehovah's Witnesses, espousing the virtues of following the ultimate in sports ineptitude.  "No, sir, I will not jump on that bandwagon!"  Dude, I've been to Laker games.  There are more douchebags than a yeasty vagina convention.  Trust me, no one is recruiting you.  No one.

Oh, and if someone is a Laker/Yankee fan, I'm pretty sure you're legally allowed to kick them in the genitalia---upheld by the Supreme Court in the landmark Human Decency v. Assholery decision.